Yikes!!!

It's been almost a month since my last post.  I could sit here and detail to you why I haven't posted sooner, but suffice it to say I was very busy and then my computer died.  It's been very revealing for me to see the way I've reacted to all of this.  The busyness and my computer's death.  I really, really, really do not like my life when it is not well organized and that is exactly how I would describe my life over the past month or so.  Very off the cuff, on the fly and very little organization.  Am I a worse person for it?  I don't think that matters very much, but it does show me that I still like to have a whole lot of control over my own life instead of allowing God to have control.  Funny how a guy living in a van, in large part to give control, is still a control freak.  The layers just keep peeling back to see just how sick and twisted I am as a person and how much more I truly need Jesus.  It has been a very encouraging month...as much as I may not like to see my innards displayed to the world because I at times feel like I'm spinning out of control...it has been encouraging nonetheless.  I'm just thankful for God's work in my life and hope I continue to turn to Him instead of trying to control everything.  Continue to turn to Him when this world doesn't make sense.  Continue to turn to Him for leadership when I feel like I have none.

Normal

Let's talk about some normal things.  It's normal for me to live in a van now.  Maybe it's not normal in your mind, but I've been doing this for over 2 months now.  It's pretty routine.  There really aren't any big surprises as far as van life is concerned at this point.  It's also normal for me to go to the Y just to shower now.  Something I really didn't do when I first started.  It's normal now to not have a lot of  "free time" or "down time" simply because I have to have a purpose wherever I go...even if it is to catch up on e-mail and run some errands.  These are just a couple of the things that are normal now in my life.

I can tell you this much.  It scares me that everything I just said is normal.  It really isn't all that different from everyday life living out of a house.  I can be just as consumed with worry and details of life living in a van as I can living in a house.  I can find ways to not have time to spend large amounts of time with God.  I'm thankful that I'm not satisfied with van life being normal.  It tells me that I'm still yearning for more in my relationship with God and for more out of life.  I am grateful I can see more blessing in my life now than before I lived in a van.  A meal from friends is no longer just free food, but a massive blessing.  Time spent with friends and loved ones is no longer just time together, it's fellowship.  I'm sure some of these things were present in my life before, but van life has allowed blessing to be the lens through which I view everyday life.  Kind of a scatterbrained post, but felt I should say something since it has been at least a week.

Quick thought...hopefully provoking

I was thinking the other day about worship...I'll try to tie this in to living in a van towards the end of the post.  It's interesting to me how people worship.  Right away I want to ask you what you thought as you read that last sentence.  Did I mean how people worship in a church service?  Did I mean how people worship with their daily lives?  Did I mean how people worship with their driving or their sex lives or at work?  Mostly I mean during a church service.  AND what implications does that have on the rest of our lives?

Seriously, this is some food for thought people.  Think about it.  Do you worship your God, the Almighty with passion and praise during a worship service?  Or are you more the type that has a very deep and silent communion with God as you sit there with your hands at your side and a meaningless expression on your face?  I'm not trying to knock that latter group.  In fact, I'm just as critical of the first group I mentioned.  I tend to find myself in both groups from time to time and it's kind of disturbing.  If I worship the LORD with passion and praise during a church service, what does the rest of my week look like?  Is it equally filled with praise and worship of the Creator during the week?  Sadly, most times this is not the case.  When I am solemn and still or at least appear that way during a church service I tend to appear that way the rest of the week too, but that doesn't say much for what is actually going on in my heart and my head.  I can be just as complacent during a "solemn" week as a "praise and worship" week.  The only difference is that it looks more consistent during a "solemn" week.

Part of the reason I decided to live in the van is because I was sick of my life being inconsistent in its worship of the LORD.  I don't want to shout praise or look solemn just to keep up appearances.  I want my life to overflow with what the LORD is actually doing in my life.  I hope what I'm talking about in this post has been clear enough.  This is the tough stuff of faith to me.  I know I can talk a good talk and even fake a pretty good walk when I want to, but can I really walk the path I'm called to?  Can you? 

Unplugging

I haven't updated in at least a week.  Part of this is business with other things.  Part of it is not having anything really interesting to say.  A large part of it is just not being online for no real reason.  If I'm online any more I usually have a very specific purpose for being online.  Mostly because I need to go somewhere to specifically use internet.  It's interesting how quickly I forget about the time wasting routines I used to have and can fall back into when I'm really thinking about it, but more often than not I find myself wondering what else there possibly could be for me to stay online any longer than necessary.  It's a kind of stunned amazement that I really don't have much to get online for these days other than things that are absolutely necessary.  And let's be honest most of those could wait.  I could check my e-mail once a day.  That would be impressive for me.  I would love to not feel the urge to be constantly connected to the world and be able to respond in an instant.  For some reason I still feel that pull.  I don't want to feel like I'm missing out.  More and more I realize I'm not missing out if I neglect the internet for a little while.

Clearly not the best post ever, but I have internet and I was actually motivated to jot something down.  We'll see if I can post a little quicker this time around.

timing

I was driving around town this morning when I passed a church with this verse on their marquee: "Never tire of doing what is right."  This is actually the second half of 2 Thessalonians 3:13.  It's this part that always makes me think.  Normally I would just think about what I'm NOT doing right or what I need to persevere in.  Those thoughts definitely crossed my mind today as I drove past these words, but there's also a lot more to think about with this verse in today's day and age.  What right?  Who's right?  Is there a right?  Is right what is said in the bible?  What if I interpret it this way?  Any of those questions could provoke very different answers and emotions from different people.  Just as this verse probably provokes different thoughts and emotions for various people.  I honestly do not want to get into any of those today.  I hope to at some point, but not right now.  Just wanted to throw that out there as a kind of thought for the day...and I'll relate it to van life right here.

Is van life the right way to do life?  Is it the only right way to do life?  What do you mean there's no real "right" way to live your own life?  That last question is in anticipation of the answer for the other two questions.  I think van life is A way to do life, but not the only way to do life.  I think it is the "right" way for me to do life currently because that's what I feel I was being called/led/asked to do.  I can only speak for me.  You know better what's in your heart and what life you feel like you are being called/led/asked to lead.  I can't tell you what is "right" or which path to take.  Hope you all enjoyed this particularly ambiguous post on epistemology and it's relation to van life and 2 Thess. 3:13 :D

Forging a Path

All of the various little life transitions back and forth between living in the van and hanging out with people has really been challenging.  It's amazing to realize after only a month and a half that I have gotten into living a fairly routine life.  The big question for me right now is what is really different about this routine than the routine or way of life I had before living in the van.  There are obvious differences to be sure, but I am most curious about the internal differences.  The perspective.  The wants and desires.  Have these really changed?  Were they supposed to?  Are they simply the same and only look a little different?  It seems difficult for me to try to answer these questions since I'm in the van life bubble and really can't say objectively one way or the other.

If I were trying to be honest with myself though here is what I think.  I think my internal perspective, etc. has not changed all that much.  The reason for hope and perseverance is while my perspective, etc. has not changed the external methods for living out my internal beliefs/convictions does look different.  It may not even be apparent to many of those around me.  I believe I've mentioned before how now when I buy something or receive something as a gift I try to give away something I have that serves the same function.  A prime example of this is while I was home this weekend I purchased a new coat.  A winter coat that I probably won't need until next winter.  I already have at least 2 winter coats.  One that would be more for skiing and the like and one an everyday winter coat.  I already struggle with keeping the coat for skiing, etc. since I do that so rarely.  To me it was a no brainer to get rid of or give away my other everyday winter coat.  I could have justified keeping both coats because they are different coats, with different looks.  But really they serve the same purpose.  There's no need.

Eternal perspective is also something I have been thinking about quite a bit lately in light of whether or not my internal perspective (beliefs/convictions) has changed.  More on that later though.  Still mulling it over.

Seasons Change

That's right.  It's season changing time.  That means the weather is warmer and sleeping is easier.  It means more daylight, which generally means more pleasant people everywhere.  It also means that Big Blue is more than hospitable to visitors.  She had her first non-sleepover visitor last night.  Big Blue can be quite spacious it seems.  Definitely enough for people to come over and play some cards.  It's a new season in Big Blue's life where she gets to have visitors come and say hi with no fear of freezing their buns off...or little fear since it will get below freezing once or twice more this week at night.

In other news it was again interesting to be away from Big Blue for a few days.  Sleeping in regular beds.  My body had almost forgot it's training from the rigorous first weeks of living in Big Blue.  That's why I woke up this morning thinking I was in a house.  A house with a restroom.  Surely I can tell my body it will be alright in a few minutes because there's a bathroom just down the hall.  Yikes!!!  I was quite wrong.  And then a sense of peace came over me as I remembered it was too early for the construction workers to be around and their very lovely porta-potty would be all mine for the using.

Again.  Hoping to get back into blogging a bit more about the whole experience.

Absence

I have not been updating the blog nearly as much as I thought I would.  Some of that has logistical reasons: schedule is busy, internet is only available at certain places and times, material to blog about, etc.  Honestly though I do not want blogging about this experience to take time away from relationship with people or with God.  I do not want it to become an idol.  Suffice it to say I will blog when need be.

It's pretty incredible to have this week where a lot of people are not around.  It's allowing me to see pretty much for the first time what I can do with my free time.  I have felt very free to just move about and figure things out at times.  There is also a certain loneliness that comes with down time when nobody is available to hang out.  Those are definitely the moments when I feel most exposed.  When I feel like that is really who I am and what I really want to do with my time.  I can tell you it is difficult during those times to determine between resting and spending time with God.  Should those 2 be mutually exclusive?  I don't think they should be nor do they have to be.  There's some idea in my head though that keeps them that way most of the time and that's why I feel guilty resting.  Really it's silly that I think that based on different things I've read and know about resting in God.  Still it's difficult to see resting and spending time with God walking around hand in hand.

Ways of Living

It has been a wonderful week of spending time with people.  I can't tell you how much I really enjoy it.  I would never have thought I would be a person who enjoys being around others so much.  I suppose the main reason is because I enjoyed my comfort and my things way too much.  It's incredible to not really be tied down by a bunch of comfort or things and be able to just go and visit with people, even if it's people I've never met before.  If you had met me a few years ago that sort of thing probably would have terrified me.  I would never do it simply because of the anxiety it would cause.  Over the past few years though God has done a great work in me to show me how much relationships matter and how little things matter.  I still enjoy things as I've mentioned before, but relationships hold a higher place in my life.  That's a nice general statement to make and I know that it's not always true.  There are still times when I would rather not be around certain people.  The pain of it all is that I realize I choose comfort over people at times.  Still a work in progress and thankfully there are many people around me who challenge me.

Give it up, Give it away

I didn't exactly keep up with the blog whilst I was away.  I hope to get back into the swing of things here and be consistent now that I'm back to a somewhat consistent schedule and knowledge of wi-fi hotspots to be used during my free time.  Looking back on my trip I am still surprised at how much I still desire material things or the seeming pull they seem to have over me.  I was beginning to be appalled at the desires I have for things on my way back from the trip, but there was something different.  This loathing or distaste was not really justified.  It was more or less self-imposed legalistic feelings based on a loose configuration of rules I had never officially setup for myself.

There was this idea in my head that I would not purchase a lot while I lived in the van.  I think that stemmed from a desire to save money, but also to live as bare bones as possible; however, that idea began to crush me.  This was brought to the forefront during my stay in New York.  It's not so much the desire for things that I despise (still not sure what my thoughts are about whether or not that desire is inherently right or wrong), but the desire to acquire and accumulate.  One of the reasons I found so much joy in giving away many of my possessions was that I had been bingeing and bingeing with now purge in my diet.  Bingeing is not healthy, nor is purging, but you have to start somewhere.  The purging I experienced in getting ready to live in the van liberated me from the idea that I needed to hold on to as much as I had.  I am admittedly still attached to certain belongings, but know I do not need them and could live quite well without them.  This is how I came to have joy in the purchases I made while in New York.  I also have been practicing for a while now the idea of when something is purchased to get rid of something like it.  I find this to be quite beneficial when purchasing clothes because it allows me to take an honest look at my clothing and say I really like this and would like to buy it and here's something I have, I wear it here and there, and in all honest could be rid of it.  So there's another little bag ready to be donated sitting in my car.

Fathers

It is an interesting thing to consider your heritage.  Being among family has really made me think a lot about who I am and who I could become.  The truly interesting part is that since moving into the van I've thought I have been quite a bit more laid back and patient.  To some extent that is true, but this trip has taught me that I can very easily fall back into my old ways, my old attitudes.  Not just towards people, but towards things.  I wonder whether or not I will fall back into not only wanting more and more material things, but if I would pursue such a life that would allow me to have what I want.  Incredibly humbling.  It's not that I don't like things.  I really do enjoy a great many material things.  I love food.  I love looking nice and fashionable.  It's a struggle.

This is why I think about the Desert Fathers.  I wonder how often they thought about society and their culture.  How much they actually had to struggle and resist against things they desired.  I wonder if part of the reason they spent so much time away from society is because they would have been embarrassed to go back into society.  Embarrassed to want.  Embarrassed to feel compulsions to fit in.  Did they ever reach a point where they didn't have those desires?  At what cost?  It's difficult for me to imagine life without those internal struggles.  Just thought I would catch you all up on some of the thoughts I've been having away from van life.  Looking forward to getting back to it.

Sitting on the Throne

Lies. The throne of lies is a difficult one to sit on. I can't help but sit on it from time to time and I don't like to admit it. Even if it's only sort of sitting on it. Like telling a half-truth. Something along the lines of, "I'll post some about the foundation behind why I'm doing what I'm doing." That could still happen while I'm on this road trip with my mom and sister, but more than likely it won't and I'll post when I can about what I can.

This trip is already helping me to appreciate the new perspective God has brought into my life this year to try and see everything as His blessing in my life. To be certain there have been more than a few things that have come my way this year that are unmistakable blessings. It's the rest of life coming at me that is often difficult to perceive as a blessing. Maybe something is difficult for me and I don't like that...but it's a blessing. Maybe I'm being pushed out of my comfort zone and I don't like that...but it's a blessing. And maybe getting a little lost with a haze of familial tension hanging in the air is not fun...but it's a blessing.

It's very strange to try and see everything as a blessing. Especially when those around you are unable to see. The weight of those around you can at times feel like a millstone dragging you by your neck to the bottom of the ocean. I will say that the more blessings I recognize the easier it is to cast the weight of that millstone to the depths of the sea and rise to the top.

"On the road again..."

Here is one thing I absolutely love about van life:  I can pick up and go without having to actually pick up.  I can just go.  It's a wonderful thing to be thinking about traveling to meet up with my mom and sister tonight before our road trip and not have to worry about what I'm going to pack or much extra time I need to allot for packing.  So I'm pretty excited about hitting the road for nearly a week with my mom and sister.

There are a couple of things I'm not excited about.  The one that actually relates to van life is the fact that I will not be living out of a van.  I think the plan is such that I'll only be in a hotel for 1 night out of the entire trip.  That's pretty sweet that there are people who are going to be letting me crash at their place and actually have offered without the need to ask.  Still, it feels like cheating a little bit to be 3 weeks into this whole journey and I'll have about a week straight where I'll be in comfy beds and homes.  In the past I would have fell into guilty feelings and to some extent I still am, but I also understand the need to enjoy and rejoice in what has been given to us.

My hope is that I will still be blogging while I'm on the road, perhaps a little series about the foundation behind this whole adventure.  Either way enjoy what is coming your way.  See it for the blessing it is, even if it doesn't seem like one right now.

To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

That statement is entirely inaccurate.  I may be living in a van, but that's been done.  I may be going back to school in the fall, but that's been done.  I know I can't even claim to be the first to do both at the same time.  Hopefully that means I'm not too wrapped up in the "cool" factor of my life.  If I were I would probably try to be the first to do something, which I'm sure would be difficult.  It's pretty amazing that people can still claim to be the first to do anything.  I suppose it's easier when there are new inventions coming about all the time and that's why people who do something different with something that's been around for a long time is immensely impressive.  No big thoughts for today.  Just a lot to get done today and tomorrow before the big road trip on Wednesday...sadly not with Big Blue.  Don't think she could handle it.

Stories, Stories, Stories

Seems there have been a lot of stories to tell about life with Big Blue.  I'm not sure if that will always be the case or if it's just because everything is so new and fresh.  I don't really have a story to tell from yesterday so I'll go a little more into why this is all going down.  Pretty positive I have not talked about the fears of life with Big Blue and whether or not to continue very much.  When the idea first came to me about van life from my buddy--who will be joining me in May--I was really excited about it, but thought if we waited until May when his lease was through I would have lost the desire and the passion to pursue van life.  I would've been too comfortable in my life.  That's when I started thinking about patterns in my life and how I always feel like I'm not really listening to God or stepping out in faith and trusting that even if it sounds or looks crazy that He will be there.  I do that too much.  Then I started thinking about just making it happen and making it happen as soon as possible.  And once the van was found and purchased there was even less reason for me to wait until May.

It was then that I hatched the plan to try van life for a year.  This was somewhat derailed by my roommates and I being given January's rent free from our landlord.  I was excited to have a free month of rent and to be warm for a month and a little disgusted with myself that I'd rather be comfortable than follow through.  That's why when February rolled around it was go time no matter what.  Permanent parking space?  Didn't matter.  Just gotta go forward and know it will work out somehow.  Things appear to have worked out quite well so far.

Then Big Blue died last Sunday and there was question about how much money to put into Big Blue since she didn't cost much to begin with and whether or not it was necessary.  Big Blue died.  Should I just give it up and move back in to my old place?  Was I just supposed to experience this for a few weeks?  Those were the thoughts that went through my head earlier this week.  Along with the prospect of looking like a failure or someone who doesn't really follow through on all of his big talk.  Needless to say I am quite thankful to have gone through all of these thoughts and emotions.  I'm interested and excited to see what else is going to be brought to the surface and what dormant fears might be lurking that Big Blue might bring out of me.

Something missing

That's right something is missing.  A post from yesterday.  What happened to it??!?!  Nothing.  It never existed.  I just did not get around to it since yesterday was a busy day and a day with limited internet access.  Not much to report and I don't feel like write anything really deep today so I'll leave you with yet another wonderful story about van life and spending time with people.

People are wonderful.  They really are.  I enjoy spending time with people I have come to know over a period of time.  Wednesday night was one of those times.  I went to go visit a friend who was only around for a short visit because he is off on his internship.  I didn't even get there until 9 pm and after catching up a bit three of us went out to eat.  I was already tired before I even left for this visit...suffice it to say I was exhausted on my drive back.  It was almost to the point where I wasn't sure if I could even finish the 30 min. drive back.  I was quite anxious to get back to Big Blue and get to sleep, but given the events earlier in the week I just don't feel comfortable warming up Big Blue for 5 minutes and shutting her down.  I wanted to give her a good 15 minutes to warm up and keep some charge in that battery.  Overly cautious?  Absolutely.

I was changed and ready for bed though well before those 15 min. were up so I decided to snuggle up in my blankets.  There's no sense in staying cold while Big Blue warms up, right?  Right?  Fast forward 3 or 4 hours to my eyelids heavily cracking open to the calming sounds of Big Blue still chuggin away.  That's right.  I definitely left the van running and fell asleep.  Good news is Big Blue kept running.

Hanging with my homies

I knew during these past two weeks that my former roommates were being amazing about continuing to use the house as a sort of base station while I was finalizing how to live in a van.  I also knew it would have to come to an end because I would either wear out my welcome and it would seem like I was still living there or because I never wanted to have a base station in the first place.  Both of these factors came in to play when my former roommates and I got together to chat last night.  I was really anxious going into it not knowing what they were going to say or if they were angry with me or what.  I had no idea.  The conversation we had though was really beautiful.  I mean that.  I felt blessed by them coming to me and airing their concerns and laying out some boundaries for all of us and my use of the house now that all of my stuff--the stuff I'm taking with me anyway--is out of the house.  This also comes on the heals of my mother's wisdom that I talked about in a previous post that I would get to at some point...so here it is.

My mother gave me this little gem as I was preparing to head back here to deal with Big Blue's death and potential resurrection.  She basically called me out and said, "You know.  Wasn't part of the point of all of this to draw closer to God and spend more time with Him?"  Dang.  Cut me to the core why don't you.  My mother's observation floated around my head for the next couple of days while I tried to figure out exactly how all of that was supposed to work now that I see basically how van living is going to work.

The conversation I had with my former roommates is relevant because it made me realize that spending time with people intentionally really energizes me.  Aside from that being a fairly new concept for me personally, I feel more alive and in communion with God while spending intentional time with people.  My mother's observation and advice works nicely alongside the conversation I had with my former roommates.  I am also pumped to have some time alone with God; however, I can see that happening while swimming at the Y quite a bit.  As always, I'll keep you posted.

Up and at'em?

Big Blue got a bit of a makeover this morning.  Brand spanking new alternator and battery.  It took some tinkering and an extra set of hands (thank you sir) in order to get it all back together, but it was finished early this morning.  Does Big Blue run???  Yes?  I really do mean that as a question.  She started up as she usually does churning a bit and struggling to turn over.  Then she cut out again as she is prone to do.  So is she fixed?  I think so, but only time will tell.  I'm going to go chat with the auto parts guys again to see what more I can learn about vehicles and how they work and what could be causing such a problem.  Either way I'm thankful for friends, help, and hope that Big Blue may last till we are through with her.

Today should also be the day I am completely, officially out of my old place.  My former roommates have been more than gracious with their space and allowing me to mosey on out, but enough is enough.  I do believe they were starting to think I might never move all of my stuff out and to be quite honest I thought it would never happen either.  Not because of motivation, because of time.  I seriously do not know where all of my time has gone these past two weeks.  Well, that's not entirely true.  To be fair though I have not had that much extra time to accomplish the final packing and storage stages of the move.  It's kind of sad to be officially out though I am excited to be almost completely out of structured housing--the instruments will definitely be staying indoors.  Pretty wiped out after all of the fixing and packing and storing that went on today.  Hopefully I will have some time to post on some motherly wisdom I received about this journey (interesting how mother's always have the motherly wisdom to dish out) and more about what's behind all of this and why I'm motivated to press forward.  Particularly the doubts I've had about all of this the past couple of days with Big Blue going down and the desire to just be free of its complications and go back to a reasonably comfortable life in a house.  Until then I bid you adieu.

Man, I feel like a woman

It's been a very interesting 24 hrs. for me and Big Blue.  I was heading to my families home yesterday to celebrate some family birthdays, but first I had work.  I cleaned myself up and got ready to go move Big Blue back to its resting place for the week in the parking lot.  I sat myself down in Big Blue's glorious driver's seat for its triumphant return and it wouldn't turn over.  No little click, click or screech, screech.  Nothing.  Nada.  My heart sank.  Was this the end of Big Blue?  Did she simply need a jump start?  Oooh, a jump start.  That should do the trick.  Sure enough the jump start did the trick.  Big Blue started up in her old persnickety way.

Feelings of relief and elation washed over me as I drove towards the parking lot and as I crept into the parking lot.  They died as Big Blue died in the parking lot.  Clearly Big Blue just needed another jump start.  Right?  Right???!?!?  Nope.  Big Blue wasn't having any of that.  She basically said, "Why don't you just push me to a spot and leave me be."  Sadly this is what needed to be done since I was now on a time crunch to get to dinner with my family on time.  I left town feeling hopeless, defeated, and totally unmanly.  What kind of man doesn't know how to fix a car?  What kind of man doesn't know what's wrong if it isn't a dead battery?  Surely a man knows such things, but I don't.

Over dinner my dad and I talked about Big Blue a little and determined it was most likely the battery and the alternator that had gone bad since she died while running.  My first order of business on a day that was supposed to be spent slowly coming back and running errands would be spent removing the old battery from Big Blue to go have it tested.  It's still good!  And they'll charge it for free!!!!!  No way.  I was ecstatic at the prospect of having Big Blue up and running at no extra cost.  I was told it was in line to be charged and to come back later.

When I returned, "The battery would not a hold a charge," was the grim news I received.  "So it's the alternator and that destroyed the battery?"  "Probably...wouldn't know for sure unless you took the alternator out and brought it here to test it" was the reply I got.  "Sure thing.  Just what does it look like and how do I get it out," I spat out somewhat ashamed of this completely unmanly admission in an auto parts store.  The guy helping me pulled up a picture and explained to me basically what I would have to do to get it out.  Basically is right because he was definitely right that it was not that difficult, but getting at the two bolts to release was a little more trying than I imagined.  By this time one of my future vanmates and I had moved Big Blue into a better location in the parking lot, filled the tires that needed air, and removed the transmission.

Then I had to decide if I had time to get it tested before going back to work.  I figured I could be a little late so I would know what I had in store for me tomorrow as far as getting Big Blue put back together.  Definitely a bad alternator.  New alternator and battery purchased and awaiting installation on what should be the most beautiful day of the week.

Looking back at this little adventure I'm struck by how humbling it was since I had to admit a huge lack of knowledge and experience.  The other thing that struck me was how calm I was because rather than getting completely upset--believe me I was not happy--I was trying to think of what the blessing God had for me in this.  I'm confident that the time spent with my friends on both days in dealing with Big Blue was a huge blessing.  It allowed for character to be shown, whether good or bad character I'm not sure, and it allowed for learning.  I'm so excited to have learned a little more about cars today and to have successfully removed an alternator.  We'll see how the installation goes...though it may be an equally blessed and humbling experience.

"They are who we thought they were"

If you are a sports fan and specifically a Chicago Bears fan then you might remember Denny Green's tirade following their unfathomable loss to the Bears a few years back.  I'm pretty sure this his famous quote from that tirade pretty much sums up the way I usually think and feel about God.  I assume God is who I think he is.  Honestly, does it get any more self-centered than that?  The truth is God allows us to know a little bit about him, but in the end I'm sure this is not even close to a full picture of God.  This all comes in to play because I usually think of God as out to get me.  Not in the sense that He really enjoys seeing me go through pain, but that because I'm such a screw up He reprimands more than He encourages; curses more than He blesses.  That's not true at all, but that's how I think and definitely how it feels at times.

One of the most encouraging things to come from my trip to Mexico at the beginning of the year (to build a house for a family in Juarez) was posed as a question to our whole group?  What if God doesn't want to punish you or anything like that?  What if God wants to bless you?  What if God is blessing you?  It's some serious food for thought.  Try it out.  Everything that comes your way good or bad in your eyes take it as a blessing from God.  Living out of a van has made this small practice I've tried to incorporate into my life quite nice.  It helps me to see more blessing in life...or maybe I'm just looking for it more.  I'm not sure which of those is true, but either way I feel and know I'm incredibly blessed.

Ticking

I mentioned something about explaining how all of this started or why I am in fact choosing to live life out of a van.  This will be the first of those posts and probably the least organized.  I would say most people who look at me don't really know what makes me tick.  They might know I am a Christ Follower and see how that affects my life.  Maybe they see me as a musician and that colors how they think of me.  It could be one of a number of different things people see that forms me in their mind.  Part of me is a revolutionary at heart and that's why I get stirred up at times about injustice in the world.  It's one of the reasons I think Jesus Christ is so amazing because he was and continues to be the boldest revolutionary I've ever heard of.  This is also the reason I found Shane Claiborne's book to be so compelling when I read it this past summer.

Claiborne had a lot to say, but what it boils down to for me is, "What if Jesus really meant what he said?"  A lot of people today try to interpret what Jesus meant when he said different things that are recorded in the bible, but what if he was just speaking plainly.  What if he really just meant what he said?  These are questions that will begin to haunt any person whose eyes have graced the pages of the New Testament.  This question in and of itself is what started me on the journey I am continuing by living in a van.  There is much more to be discussed here and I would love to discuss it with you (leave a comment), but I'll leave it here for now.  To be continued...someday.

"Bad boys, bad boys" aka The Man

I was hanging out with some friends last night until I was fairly sleepy.  "o worries, just head on over to Big Blue and crash for the night.  Right?"  Sort of.  I was driving down the street towards Big Blue when I see an array of flashing red lights up on the left side of the road.  At first it looked like maybe just a fire engine or an ambulance.  Oh no, it was definitely like 5 or 6 squad cars and an ambulance.  I kept driving past it, but couldn't help but wonder about Big Blue and if the lot she's parked in was going to be looked at by The Man.

I pulled into the lot and initially was a little confused (it should be empty pretty much everywhere) because there is a truck idling in front of the church with 2 guys parked in it.  I continue around the lot towards where Big Blue is parked to see a cop car sitting on the curb.  "No worries I say.  Just get over to Big Blue and go to bed."  I kept on going towards Big Blue only to realize The Man was also cruising the back portion of the lot.  At this point I'm sure something is going to happen, but I continue on like I normally would.  Though I forgot to back my car in for easiest access in the morning.  Naturally I just started to pull out and turn the car around to back it in.  That's when the light struck me.  That bright penetrating light that makes you feel like you've done something wrong even when you have not.

I try to ignore the light since The Man might just be seeing who's in the car and just keep backing up.  That was until I realized The Man was out of his car and walking towards me, flashlight drawn.  I kindly roll down my window and asked The Man, "What's up?"  as if he was the one in the wrong.  Surely you can't be questioning why a male 20-something would be pulling his nice vehicle up to a dilapidated old van at 11 in the evening while there are at least 8 emergency or police vehicles in the area.

So we continued the little game The Man and I.  The Man asked, "What are you doing?"  "Parking my car" I said.  "Are you Michael?" The Man asked me.  Touche says I because The Man has already run the plates on Big Blue.  "Yes I am" was all I replied. "Let's see some ID" he rocketed back at me.  I handed The Man my ID without an ounce of worry.  "Where do you live?" came the inevitable question.  "I'm kind of living out of my van" I said.  There's no reaction.  It's as if The Man has played this game before.  "Where were you tonight?" The Man questioned, probing me for any sign of wavering.  "I had a church service earlier and then I was hanging out with people" I torted, thinking this would shut him up neglecting to remember we were already in a church parking lot.  "Where were these?" The Man rattled off yet another question.

I explained with sufficient detail and speed where these places were to The Man thinking I had just put another feather in my cap and he would soon be on his way.  The Man's next question brought about what was really going on.  The Man and his friend's were looking for two individuals, though The Man said not what for.  I politely explained I had just returned for the evening and only happened down the road within the last few minutes.  The Man then returned my ID and went on his way.  Slumber at last.

Still Fat

I was finally able to sift through more of my junk yesterday to determine what can be stored and what I really needed to keep with me.  I'm still disgusted with the amount of stuff I have.  The more and more I think about it I was like someone who was on a consumer-driven binge and purge diet except I always forgot to purge.  Now that I'm purging it seems like it will never end in order to get back to a proper level of stuff.  Looks like fitting everything in my car shouldn't be a problem even if I can't keep things in the van once the other guys move in.  I'm also more excited about this than I was when I started.

Each day brings me more joy and thankfulness that God has called me on this journey.  Some would argue against that point and say I'm just looking for adventure and I wouldn't totally disagree with them.  There is a large part of me that really just wanted an adventure and this seemed pretty exciting when it was presented to me.  The real question will be how I choose to live through this journey.  For myself?  For others?  For God?

Big Blue now has a fairly permanent home thanks to a wonderfully encouraging church in town.  I'm looking forward to not having to move Big Blue as often or worry about it being towed.  I may be introduced at some point to that church's congregation just so they can get an idea of what the van is doing in the parking lot and that the person living in it isn't completely insane or out to get their children or something.  That is actually something I'm excited about because I feel like part of this journey is to throw this in people's faces and make them reconcile the man they see in front of them--and hopefully I'm reflecting Christ--and their assumptions.  I want Christians to question the assumptions they've made about how to live the Christian life in America.  I want non-Christians to look at this and wonder whether there are more people like this that call themselves Christians; that maybe not all Christians fall into their stereotype.  Basically there's a lot I want people to get out of this and realize it is not all about me or what I'm getting out of this experience.  I know this will be a blessing in my life as it already has been, but I hope it will in turn be a blessing to those around me.

Giving Thanks

One of the things I've been keenly aware of since beginning is how thankful I am for the graciousness and hospitality of those around me.  My former roommates have been wonderful about allowing me to take my time to fully transition into vehicle living.  I honestly can't say how much I appreciate their patience with me and their encouragement.  There have also been a number of others who have either expressed their excitement for me or have helped me out whether they realize it or not.  I'm pretty sure this is one of the things I look forward to most for the time I'll be in Big Blue.  It's amazing to see people helping people AND NOT looking for anything in return.  So thank you to all who have already been so encouraging and helpful.  Hope you enjoy following along with me on this journey.

Get it

I can't say enough about how great it is to sleep in a van.  I feel forced to get up and get going once I'm actually awake because I have to physically go somewhere I'm not in order to do just about anything.  This has meant a couple of mostly productive days off, but not at all how I thought they would be.  I wanted to organize a bunch of my stuff and make everything a bit more streamlined.  Definitely hasn't happened yet.  I have managed to thoroughly enjoy both of these days off though.  Time spent errand running and with friends makes the time fly.

That's all I really have for today.  Still getting things done and reorganized.  I was also alerted to the fact that some people (maybe all people) could not comment on any of the posts.  I believe that situation has been remedied.  So comment away and leave me your love, or your hate.  Hopefully I'll love on ya either way.

Comfort and Adjustments

I was talking with a buddy of mine this morning about how the van life has been going.  When I slept in a normal bed it was a rare night that I slept through the whole night or was able to get 8 hours of sleep.  Sometimes it would happen, but that was not the norm.  That is still not the norm, but it is somehow a better sleep.  I know this is how a couple of my buddies felt.  Don't believe me, check it out here.  I love waking up and having no way of telling what time it is.  You might be saying, "Surely the light coming in from the windows would tell me it is daytime?"  An excellent point point, but when you sleep in a warm cocoon of blankets all you know is darkness.  The best part of this for me is that I will wake up because I've tossed some blankets to and fro because I was too warm, but have woken up because it's still cold all around me.  It's usually still dark out at this point so I calmly collect the blankets to the cocoon and attempt to get a few more winks in despite being slightly cold.  I don't really feel like I sleep, but somehow my eyes close and I slumber for at least another 2 hours.  I love it.  It feels like I'm cheating time.

Last night marked the first full week in the van and now it's time for a couple of things.  Laundry and making some adjustments.  Everything worked out great the first week, but I'm curious to look through my clothes and see if there aren't a few items that could be ditched...anything I can do to trim down anything I might need to carry around.  That's what today and tomorrow will be all about for me.  Finishing up getting my stuff organized and attempting to optimize.

Solitude

It's interesting knowing that I head to bed each night with nobody really to interrupt me or use the bathroom next to my bedroom (though it could happen and that would be awkward).  To know that I'll be alone.  Left with my thoughts.  That's not really all that different from what I am used to, but it feels very different at night cocooned beneath layers of clothing and blankets.  My thoughts actually have the freedom to speak their mind and not worry about my expression and how people might react.  Definitely a bit surprising since I fancy myself as someone who can handle being alone pretty well and think I could actually deal with complete solitude better than the average bear.  No matter what though my life at this juncture and especially given this adventure is more and more in God's hands.  I can't handle or comprehend a lot of what is and will happen in my life and all I can do is look to God and know that I have no clue what's going on but He does.  It's a bit frightening, a bit exhilirating.  Not sure what all God is doing in my life right now means for next fall (school, move away, change jobs, who knows) or for this summer even, but I'm excited to see what He has in store.

I was also too warm last night.  Take that!!

A New Day, A Full Day

A lot of people have asked me what I do with myself now that I live in a van.  What do I do with my free time?  What do I eat?  How do I eat?  Where do I eat?  Where do I shower?  Where do you go to the bathroom?  It's questions like this that make me laugh a little bit because these are the same questions I had questions about when I first started thinking about doing this.  Being the analytical man that I am I am surprised that I don't really have answers for some of those questions.  To be sure some of those have easy answers.  Others are answered more with slightly raised shoulders and eyebrows and a plaintive heart towards God.  It's a blast having some of these answers already figured out and allowing others to work themselves out on a day to day basis by the provision of God through the people and situations He surrounds me with.

Soon to come.  I think I'm going to talk more about what spurred all of this on, but to give you a glimpse it's things like this that get me going:  "Spiritual lust makes me demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Who gives the answer."

Like a fish in the sea

Four days in and I'm loving this.  I really can't begin to say how much I am enjoying this adventure thus far.  It's been amazing to see just how all of this is going to work and to have friends provide company, food, and encouragement.  I'm not really sure how many people actually want to hear about everything that's going on or who is actually following along.    It's been great being able to swim and shower at the YMCA in town.  I always forget how much I really enjoy swimming.  I always have.  I'm not sure if it's being in the water or the complete and utter exhaustion I feel after a good swim, but I love it.

Just to see who's following along and make this a little interactive (this is where you come in):  Is there anything you guys want to know?  Anything you want to hear about on a regular basis?  Let me know.  Make a comment.  Otherwise I'll just babble day after day.

Going solo

Last night was by far the warmest sleeping environment so far.  That's not to say it wasn't frigid out still, but the various little adjustments from the first night came full circle last night, which is great considering it was my first night alone in the van :(.  A buddy I work with made a great point that this is the beginning of possibly my greatest life adventure to date.  I like that.  It is definitely going to be an adventure and I gotta say I'm really excited about it so far.  I wake up and don't want to leave the warm cocoon that is my mass of sleeping bag and blankets, but I'm excited.  I'll be glad when the cold weather goes away and I don't have to deal with the extreme temperatures from being warm where I'm sleeping and cold everywhere around me.  My body doesn't like that one bit.  That's all I've got today.  Time to go swim and shower.

Loving it!

Night 2 was amazing.  The van had its first guest and it was substantially warmer for all involved the second go around.  This had to be partially because we layered up a bit more and were more prepared and partially because we didn't spread out and attempted to do the whole shared body heat thing.  3 of us have a bible study we go to on Wednesday mornings that meets at Denny's.  So for the second night in a row we graced the Denny's parking lot with Big Blue's presence.  We also set up camp in the morning out the window where we would be meeting so we could see all of the guys' reactions.  It looks like a bit of warmer weather is headed this way for at least the next week so we'll see if these first 2 nights happened to be the coldest or not.  Only time will tell, but now I leave you with some pics.

And so it begins

Last night was the first night in the van and I must say it was rather triumphant.  Bitterly cold, but triumphant nonetheless.  Let's take a look at the positives:  We didn't die, nothing was damaged, we each partook in the free Grand Slam giveaway at Denny's, we learned some lessons for the future, and we were not towed.  There were 20 layers of clothing distributed unevenly between the 3 of us.  My vanmates decided they wanted to join me for night one and will also join me for night two since we're all going to the same place tomorrow morning.  And as Craig put it so well, "I never want to do this again until tomorrow."