Yikes!!!

It's been almost a month since my last post.  I could sit here and detail to you why I haven't posted sooner, but suffice it to say I was very busy and then my computer died.  It's been very revealing for me to see the way I've reacted to all of this.  The busyness and my computer's death.  I really, really, really do not like my life when it is not well organized and that is exactly how I would describe my life over the past month or so.  Very off the cuff, on the fly and very little organization.  Am I a worse person for it?  I don't think that matters very much, but it does show me that I still like to have a whole lot of control over my own life instead of allowing God to have control.  Funny how a guy living in a van, in large part to give control, is still a control freak.  The layers just keep peeling back to see just how sick and twisted I am as a person and how much more I truly need Jesus.  It has been a very encouraging month...as much as I may not like to see my innards displayed to the world because I at times feel like I'm spinning out of control...it has been encouraging nonetheless.  I'm just thankful for God's work in my life and hope I continue to turn to Him instead of trying to control everything.  Continue to turn to Him when this world doesn't make sense.  Continue to turn to Him for leadership when I feel like I have none.

Normal

Let's talk about some normal things.  It's normal for me to live in a van now.  Maybe it's not normal in your mind, but I've been doing this for over 2 months now.  It's pretty routine.  There really aren't any big surprises as far as van life is concerned at this point.  It's also normal for me to go to the Y just to shower now.  Something I really didn't do when I first started.  It's normal now to not have a lot of  "free time" or "down time" simply because I have to have a purpose wherever I go...even if it is to catch up on e-mail and run some errands.  These are just a couple of the things that are normal now in my life.

I can tell you this much.  It scares me that everything I just said is normal.  It really isn't all that different from everyday life living out of a house.  I can be just as consumed with worry and details of life living in a van as I can living in a house.  I can find ways to not have time to spend large amounts of time with God.  I'm thankful that I'm not satisfied with van life being normal.  It tells me that I'm still yearning for more in my relationship with God and for more out of life.  I am grateful I can see more blessing in my life now than before I lived in a van.  A meal from friends is no longer just free food, but a massive blessing.  Time spent with friends and loved ones is no longer just time together, it's fellowship.  I'm sure some of these things were present in my life before, but van life has allowed blessing to be the lens through which I view everyday life.  Kind of a scatterbrained post, but felt I should say something since it has been at least a week.

Quick thought...hopefully provoking

I was thinking the other day about worship...I'll try to tie this in to living in a van towards the end of the post.  It's interesting to me how people worship.  Right away I want to ask you what you thought as you read that last sentence.  Did I mean how people worship in a church service?  Did I mean how people worship with their daily lives?  Did I mean how people worship with their driving or their sex lives or at work?  Mostly I mean during a church service.  AND what implications does that have on the rest of our lives?

Seriously, this is some food for thought people.  Think about it.  Do you worship your God, the Almighty with passion and praise during a worship service?  Or are you more the type that has a very deep and silent communion with God as you sit there with your hands at your side and a meaningless expression on your face?  I'm not trying to knock that latter group.  In fact, I'm just as critical of the first group I mentioned.  I tend to find myself in both groups from time to time and it's kind of disturbing.  If I worship the LORD with passion and praise during a church service, what does the rest of my week look like?  Is it equally filled with praise and worship of the Creator during the week?  Sadly, most times this is not the case.  When I am solemn and still or at least appear that way during a church service I tend to appear that way the rest of the week too, but that doesn't say much for what is actually going on in my heart and my head.  I can be just as complacent during a "solemn" week as a "praise and worship" week.  The only difference is that it looks more consistent during a "solemn" week.

Part of the reason I decided to live in the van is because I was sick of my life being inconsistent in its worship of the LORD.  I don't want to shout praise or look solemn just to keep up appearances.  I want my life to overflow with what the LORD is actually doing in my life.  I hope what I'm talking about in this post has been clear enough.  This is the tough stuff of faith to me.  I know I can talk a good talk and even fake a pretty good walk when I want to, but can I really walk the path I'm called to?  Can you? 

Unplugging

I haven't updated in at least a week.  Part of this is business with other things.  Part of it is not having anything really interesting to say.  A large part of it is just not being online for no real reason.  If I'm online any more I usually have a very specific purpose for being online.  Mostly because I need to go somewhere to specifically use internet.  It's interesting how quickly I forget about the time wasting routines I used to have and can fall back into when I'm really thinking about it, but more often than not I find myself wondering what else there possibly could be for me to stay online any longer than necessary.  It's a kind of stunned amazement that I really don't have much to get online for these days other than things that are absolutely necessary.  And let's be honest most of those could wait.  I could check my e-mail once a day.  That would be impressive for me.  I would love to not feel the urge to be constantly connected to the world and be able to respond in an instant.  For some reason I still feel that pull.  I don't want to feel like I'm missing out.  More and more I realize I'm not missing out if I neglect the internet for a little while.

Clearly not the best post ever, but I have internet and I was actually motivated to jot something down.  We'll see if I can post a little quicker this time around.

timing

I was driving around town this morning when I passed a church with this verse on their marquee: "Never tire of doing what is right."  This is actually the second half of 2 Thessalonians 3:13.  It's this part that always makes me think.  Normally I would just think about what I'm NOT doing right or what I need to persevere in.  Those thoughts definitely crossed my mind today as I drove past these words, but there's also a lot more to think about with this verse in today's day and age.  What right?  Who's right?  Is there a right?  Is right what is said in the bible?  What if I interpret it this way?  Any of those questions could provoke very different answers and emotions from different people.  Just as this verse probably provokes different thoughts and emotions for various people.  I honestly do not want to get into any of those today.  I hope to at some point, but not right now.  Just wanted to throw that out there as a kind of thought for the day...and I'll relate it to van life right here.

Is van life the right way to do life?  Is it the only right way to do life?  What do you mean there's no real "right" way to live your own life?  That last question is in anticipation of the answer for the other two questions.  I think van life is A way to do life, but not the only way to do life.  I think it is the "right" way for me to do life currently because that's what I feel I was being called/led/asked to do.  I can only speak for me.  You know better what's in your heart and what life you feel like you are being called/led/asked to lead.  I can't tell you what is "right" or which path to take.  Hope you all enjoyed this particularly ambiguous post on epistemology and it's relation to van life and 2 Thess. 3:13 :D

Forging a Path

All of the various little life transitions back and forth between living in the van and hanging out with people has really been challenging.  It's amazing to realize after only a month and a half that I have gotten into living a fairly routine life.  The big question for me right now is what is really different about this routine than the routine or way of life I had before living in the van.  There are obvious differences to be sure, but I am most curious about the internal differences.  The perspective.  The wants and desires.  Have these really changed?  Were they supposed to?  Are they simply the same and only look a little different?  It seems difficult for me to try to answer these questions since I'm in the van life bubble and really can't say objectively one way or the other.

If I were trying to be honest with myself though here is what I think.  I think my internal perspective, etc. has not changed all that much.  The reason for hope and perseverance is while my perspective, etc. has not changed the external methods for living out my internal beliefs/convictions does look different.  It may not even be apparent to many of those around me.  I believe I've mentioned before how now when I buy something or receive something as a gift I try to give away something I have that serves the same function.  A prime example of this is while I was home this weekend I purchased a new coat.  A winter coat that I probably won't need until next winter.  I already have at least 2 winter coats.  One that would be more for skiing and the like and one an everyday winter coat.  I already struggle with keeping the coat for skiing, etc. since I do that so rarely.  To me it was a no brainer to get rid of or give away my other everyday winter coat.  I could have justified keeping both coats because they are different coats, with different looks.  But really they serve the same purpose.  There's no need.

Eternal perspective is also something I have been thinking about quite a bit lately in light of whether or not my internal perspective (beliefs/convictions) has changed.  More on that later though.  Still mulling it over.

Seasons Change

That's right.  It's season changing time.  That means the weather is warmer and sleeping is easier.  It means more daylight, which generally means more pleasant people everywhere.  It also means that Big Blue is more than hospitable to visitors.  She had her first non-sleepover visitor last night.  Big Blue can be quite spacious it seems.  Definitely enough for people to come over and play some cards.  It's a new season in Big Blue's life where she gets to have visitors come and say hi with no fear of freezing their buns off...or little fear since it will get below freezing once or twice more this week at night.

In other news it was again interesting to be away from Big Blue for a few days.  Sleeping in regular beds.  My body had almost forgot it's training from the rigorous first weeks of living in Big Blue.  That's why I woke up this morning thinking I was in a house.  A house with a restroom.  Surely I can tell my body it will be alright in a few minutes because there's a bathroom just down the hall.  Yikes!!!  I was quite wrong.  And then a sense of peace came over me as I remembered it was too early for the construction workers to be around and their very lovely porta-potty would be all mine for the using.

Again.  Hoping to get back into blogging a bit more about the whole experience.